The Habit of Relationship
I think that's quite a powerful piece. Personally I think the people who know me don't give an indication that they think i'm automatically doomed to be alone at my age (50's) even though I've been 'single' for about 11yrs apart from a couple of relationships but perhaps it is what some of them may think? As time goes on I may think it myself sometimes. It's a fact though, that i'm quite happy with my own company and the longer I'm 'single' the more comfortable this gets. I certainly don't feel like (the great unwanted, one of life's rejects), (i'll do brackets instead of quotes due to the recent blip on the posts) I just think it's lack of opportunity and the right person - however it crosses my mind that I might grow old alone which isn't my first choice.
You mention also those that say (there's someone for everyone) but I think they just say it to encourage us because they want to say something positive. I personally don't say it to anyone else but I will say that God has said we're not meant to be alone. That said, we don't live in a perfect world and if there are fewer Christian men than women where I am I can't knit some more to make the numbers up!!! :)
I do think sometimes i may pass someone in the supermarket who may be just right for me but i'll never know because we never speak.
We can miss out on couples social times because people don't think to invite us - an odd number can be awkward.
I do think it's right that those who are married and maybe for a long time can't understand what it feels like - however I do think that some of them do try.
Your post really brought something out of me I didn't expect and has really made me think, I think it's left me feeling a bit melancholy.
Having said all this, I think it is becoming more of a norm than it used to be because so many people are now divorced and stayed single longer for whatever reason. However, it would be nice to meet someone, even though I don't feel lonely :)
Wow - a post that at certain times of my life I would've, and may in the future still agree with whole heartedly.
I think God gives hope beyond that though.
I find social settings quite difficult at times. At work I'm inundated by conversations of 'my husband....', 'my children...' And I have nothing to contribute. The same at church where 99% of the social events I'm invited to are ladies only and consist of 99% of married women who have had children and who talk about their families, sex and the menopause :-)
I too, avoid the platitude 'there will be someone out there for you', as I don't believe that is necessarily true. And I refuse to give false hope to someone who is struggling with this area of their life. We all need to come to a place of learning to live as singles and to be content in this. Fixing our eyes on Jesus and not on our state in life is what brings balance and hope.
People tell me that the church is our family, whether single or not, the family of God has all that we need for companionship. I sadly feel, in my experience, this too appears to be a platitude spoken by married people. What are others experiences of this?
I was reading an interesting but lengthy piece on the difference between human love and Divine love on the NewLife Ministry (Rainham Essex) website tonight that addresses the feelings of loneliness.
Loneliness affects all people whether single or married and the only way over it is to experience God's Love and find that Peace that Jesus talks of.
I'm still mulling it over
Polly, this is a great thread - it really opens up a lot of issues for discussion.
Tara, I agree with you that the family of God does not necessarily hold all we need for companionship. Who's going to curl up with me for a quiet night in and a DVD? The leader of the men's ministry?
Church is a fantastic place to be (when it's working properly), and we can find support and love there, which can certainly take the sting out of being alone. But it's not the same as love and marriage. People who have been married a while can forget what it's like to be on your own and get into a marriage bubble.
On the subject of "the habit of relationship", I was sharing briefly with a friend last night how I felt at one point some years ago that God told me to make space in my life for a relationship. He reminded me how I had got my first car when the one belonging to my parents that I was using was stolen, and they bought a replacement, only for the stolen one to be recovered soon after. I then took over the replacement car (a beautiful Ford Capri 2.0S!).
The impression I had was that as the theft had made space on my driveway (and hence in my mind) for a car, so I had to make space in my life. I soon assumed God meant the woman I got to know a few weeks later, who seemed like a great match, but that one didn't work out. However, I'm now seeing that it means not being so concentratedly single that I miss out on opportunities to get to know somebody, and also having that space in my mind's-eye view of my life ready for the right person to occupy, rather than having to create it in a rush.
This probably sounds a.) strange; and b.) like I come in through the door shouting "Hi Honey, I'm home!" to an empty flat, but it makes sense to me. :o)
em, good to see a clear and honest article expressing the feelings and thoughts most of us might feel from time to time or on a bad day.
Alot of it might be true but it doesn't mean we have to accept it.
We all long to be loved and have someone to love. If it doesn't happen, we have to determine that we are going to be the happiest singleton on this planet........that's the challenge!
I love the way you've turned that round, Caroline - thanks.
We do have a desire within ourselves for relationships of all levels, and that is wholly healthy. However, the pressure and expectation by society (often represented by friends and family) to need the relationship of a romantic/sexual/lifelong partner (husband or wife if they're Christian friends) to complete ourselves is really quite unfair. This is what adds to the sadness Polly describes.
What you've brought in, Caroline, is the fact that we have a choice of how we live our lives in the face of everyone else's expectation. We can choose to live our lives in a single but not lonely state if that's where we're at, and Mathew's right about loneliness in married relationships too, reminding us of God's peace. We can choose to live our lives 'complete' or 'incomplete'. Let's fix our eyes, as Tara says (well, she didn't say it first, of course!)
Is the leader of the men's ministry quite nice then Jeremy - because I might be happy to curl up with him and a DVD even if you're not :-)
Not sure I'm completely catching your drift where the rest of your post is concerned though. Perhaps that was something that God was saying specifically to you about your own situation at that time.... not that we can't learn from it too.
I do wish church worked better, but maybe if I left it would.. :-)
Tara, I'd be happy to introduce you, and you can discuss arrangements with his wife. ;o)
I think the rest of my post was about trying not to think like a singleton in such a way that one remains single. Many people get so busy doing all the things that being single allows them to do that they get into a rut which prevents them from meeting potential dates.
It may have come across as total waffle, for which I apologise. That would be my fault for breaking my rule about not using the internet on a Sunday.
I am quite sure that your church is all the better for you being there. There must be things that single believers on the IoM can do to get together and not be constantly the Christian gooseberry?
I do have some good friends who are couples and go out with them, no problem. yes, just the 3 of us :0). I've also been on holiday with them a few times (just the 3 of us again). It was fine, but i think there was something/one missing......................... Much as we get on really well it's not the same is it!
I think we can get so used to being single, and filling our lives with activities, friends, and church, that there is no room for a prospective partener.
As Polly wrote, the longer we are without a partener, the less likkely we are to find one, or even put ourselves out for one. I'm speaking as an older single, it seems to me love and romance is more a dream, than a likely reality.
I suppose to a measure I've become used to a single life, I don't like it, but how much am I prepared to put myself out to change it?
It would take someone very special, after six and a half years on my own.
I've been on my own for four years, and like you Fran am getting used to it. I think the friendships I have developed with other singles, male and female, have helped me to feel more content and less lonely. And maybe these friendships also help us to maintain some kind of "habit of relationship" in a wider sense, and therefore able to slot back into having a relationship with someone special. I hope so.
No Jeremy, that doesn't seem strange to me, and I don't think you're waffling. It speaks to me. My life is very full - work, kids, elderly (and recently widowed) father, church, friends (almost all of them married people). Maybe I need to think further about how to make space.
I think this thread is really interesting.. but I for one will not give up!
Despite being single for 7 years (never imagined it would be that long when my marriage first ended) and recognise my life is essentially that of a single person, I still hold fast to the Hope that God offers - after all He is the God of new beginnings and fresh starts.
My 7 years have been a journey - a journey of discovery about myself, of discovery about God, a journey of change and growth, of learning from mistakes and learning to forgive..of realising that a good relationship is a witness of God's love to others and a mission in itself.. all of this discovery gives me hope in my future. Only God knows when the time for meeting someone will be right.
Having said that, I've come to the conclusion that we don't just sit back and wait, or we could end up missing out. If we want a new job, do we just sit there waiting for God to throw it in our path? We put a lot of effort and searching into finding one - and not just any job, but the one we are best suited for and which will inspire and motivate us. Something precious is worth the search don't you think?
Polly, I thank you for raising some really valuable points however and I must watch out for signs of stale crustiness and isolating habits! So here's to keeping our eyes open, a smile on our face and a readiness for new situations which may bring us into contact with that very special someone.. guided truly by our Father God who delights to give us good things. This then is faith.. 'being sure of what we hope for and being certain of what we do not see..' I'd rather be doing that than letting go of Hope.. for without it, we become stuck .. Moving on with hope give momentum.. so it doesn't matter what age we are, grasp it and run with it, that's what I say! :-)
I always understood your point Jeremy - I just don't understand it :-) because I don't relate to your experience.
Clear as mud?
I think it's important to create a life and friends as a single person:
1) you may not get married
2) as has been said, it's important you continue to relate which helps you be a healthy balanced person in your views and lifestyle.
If you do meet someone you make the space...for me that's a simple equation as your priorities have now shifted.
I came across this which kind of links in to a topic posted by James a while back.
The Habit of Relationship
When you`ve always been loved it`s easy to be loved. The converse is also true. My theory stands. If you`re still in the habit of relationship you are most likely to be in another before the year is out. Exceed that time and the odds lengthen. Year on year it becomes less and less likely as solitude and exclusion becomes the habit. As time goes on you are viewed solely as a singleton with no expectation of relationship. In societal terms you are the reject, on the shelf; unwanted. No band of gold that depicts the chosen garnishes your hand, neither is it asked for. You are the great unwanted, one of life`s rejects.
It`s all so easy when you`re younger, easier still when you have not had to question the conditions of love. In youth the pains of childhood may be redeemed and life can change its course. At this age life has passed me by. I am disinterested, indeed angered, by the platitudes that are served to me. I disregard the patronising pledges that `there is someone for everyone` because only those who are chosen ever utter those words on the basis of their evidence, not mine. And who really cares? Not those who look on in pity at a state they would dread. Not those who are self-satisfied with the outward trappings of societal norms, happy or not, for they still wear their smug acceptance.
Step out of the comfort zones and really see the condition of social exclusion and isolation. Look at what you are a part of that excludes us.
Discuss!